It's officially public: against all odds (well, against some slightly dramatic and emotionally-loaded odds which I might discuss at some point but are still a little too overwhelming to me), we're having a baby.
If I were to write everything I feel, I would be here forever. I don't have the experience to know any wise words to share with anyone right now, either... So I'm just going to go with what I said to a friend who asked me to scare the baby fever bug away from her:
"OK... I will tell you this: I get up to pee like five times a night. I stress over things I didn't even KNOW I CARED ABOUT. I'm even more of a hippie now because I'm thinking about the world this baby will inherit. During the day, I pee another 25 times. I gag when I brush my molars or floss back there, my gag reflex is NUTS. Almost every single smell makes me gag. Foods I love taste bitter and disgusting to me, like licking a vomit lollipop. (Yes, that's the description I chose to go with, you're welcome.) I have HORRIBLE headaches, I'm sleepy all day, my appetite sucks except for wanting spinach, pretty much, which I grab in handfuls from the fridge, rinse, and then shove in my mouth. I want to barf all the time, seeing babies makes me cry, hearing babies cry (even on TV) makes my breasts hurt.
"However, I'm going to ruin your life now by telling you that I never assumed there could be something as awesome as putting a hand to your abdomen and knowing a little baby is growing in there, a baby that is there against all odds (because really, conceiving is CRAZY unlikely), product of that love between you and your husband (in our case, obviously that's not the only way to have a baby). Reading about the different phases it enters into, knowing you will cuddle it, nurse it, and get to have that kind of closeness with someone nearly a YEAR before they are born? Amazing. Also makes the nausea, peeing, and puking totally worth it, because each time it happens, you think, 'Well, that means it's all going right!'
"And man, when you see that little heartbeat on the screen? Your life as you know it is TOTALLY OVER. Just throw your hands up in the air and admit you will be a love slave to this little human being NOW."
I was always a little afraid I had no maternal instinct, that I would never feel warm and fuzzy about a little blastocyst growing inside me, or that I'd just be indifferent while people stared at me in confused horror for my lack of emotion.
Totally wrong. All I want to do is love this baby, protect it, eat healthy for it. I can't stop touching my abdomen, I can't stop getting a little emotional over the miracle (yep, I'm going to be one of those people) of there being three people when there only used to be two. And I can't wait to hold it, change it, bathe it, feed it, love it, and teach it.
I kind of really love you already, kid. Even if you do hate all animal products so far and are basically turning me into a vegan. I still love you. That's serious business.